Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
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[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Single and childfree like Jesus
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner