Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

he’s doing your taxes

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.