Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

I put the hot in psychotic.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*