Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

Dumple

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

We found love in a hopeless place.

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.