Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
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My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.