Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
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my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Me redecorating every room in my mind
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .