Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

I know this now 😂

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

that lip filler tho

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

I need to update my racial profile.

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.