Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
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I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.