Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

Drilling for oil is well boring.

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission