Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

They’re stuck in your pants?

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.