Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

it must be school picture day

Best spoiler warning ever

I’ve disappointed better people.

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

Why I divorced her.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.