Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

A little too much information.

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*