Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.