Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
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True
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
The cycle continues
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro