Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

Story time

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!

Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!

Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.