Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”

Just say no

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago