Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

Employees must applaud the planets.

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.