Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
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Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I want to meet the individual who made this
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
oh you like nyc? name every rat
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here