Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
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[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
