Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

im all 3

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

That’s not how days work.

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter