Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
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One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.