Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

There are no pants in heaven.

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.