Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

Nomnomnomnom

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.