Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.

We’ve all been there

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.