Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
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Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Always the camel, never the toe.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday