landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
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Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Perfect
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
black phone good
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
