landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
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Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
