Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*