Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.