Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

finally found a reasonable question

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale

Pretty good – Not good

Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks

It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going

Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life

Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count