Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”