Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing