Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

smh

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards