Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).