[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
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them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Yes
LMAO
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Duck typos.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.