[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
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Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Same post same
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
THIS HEADLINE
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have