@thepunningman

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

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@Try2StopME

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

@rubyetc

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

@UncleDuke1969

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

@lawyerthoughts

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

@girlontapas

Started to go to the gym this morning, couldn’t find my membership card…

A new one was $10

A donut & coffee were $3

Guess who saved $7?

@iamspacegirl

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

@Mindless4Miles

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

@aveuaskew

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.