@OverlyManlyMF Uppercuts a horse. Creates the first girrafe.
@thepunningman [landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
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@OverlyManlyMF 
@Try2StopME A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
@rubyetc Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
@UncleDuke1969 *pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
@Inferno_V *hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
@lawyerthoughts If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
@girlontapas Started to go to the gym this morning, couldn’t find my membership card…
A new one was $10
A donut & coffee were $3
Guess who saved $7?
@iamspacegirl I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
@Mindless4Miles I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
@aveuaskew For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.