[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

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Me: Want me to bring coffee up to bed?

What my wife said: If you want to

What I heard: If you want to live


I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.


Day 3 of self isolation:

Hour 7432:

Alexa and I are engaged…

Siri is kinda jealous…

It’s either gonna get interesting or ugly…


Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button


This chick at Walgreens is totally hitting on me. What’s your name? What’s your address? Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?


Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”


[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??


Camo is proper for any occasion. It’s good for drinkin’ beers, huntin’ deers and scarin’ queers. Merica.


Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.