Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

🤣🤣🤣

Twitter is evidence that insane people can be extremely entertaining from a safe distance.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.