Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*