Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
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[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
never ask a starfish for directions
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
weird email i got today
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.