Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
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“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic