Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

How to draw a duck

LOOOOOOL

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

is it too early for christmas memes

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home