[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
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[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
