Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.