landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
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Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
sometimes we need to be reminded
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat