Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

nice challenge

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.