Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience