Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

Hmmmmm