Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
some Old Testament wisdom
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta