Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
me as a parent
🍛
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
How I’d get arrested…
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Lmaoo 😂
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.