Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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just left a huge legacy in there
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
uh oh
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…