Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am