Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And they lived apathetically ever after.

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

I’m not alone. I have ants.

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

You’re never alone. Theres mold

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.