Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.