Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.