Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Tuesday
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers