Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
