Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
