Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

oh good, now I can stop drinking

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no