Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
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Midwest trash talk
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Twitter is the new flypaper.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!