Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

What happened to the other hiker??!

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.