landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
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My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.