landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working