Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere