landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
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Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)