*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
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“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
my astrological sign is a french fry
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Golf would be better with landmines.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house