*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
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dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
me adding lol on a serious message
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.