Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

me logging onto twitter

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

☠️ ☠️

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

😁

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.