*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
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the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
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KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.