*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
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In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
synchronized noseblowing
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”