Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay