Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
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Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you