Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
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Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
