Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
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Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
you’re so productive for your wage
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.