Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I basically called this earlier today

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

Natural selection at its finest

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.

He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”

No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

how to have an accident 101

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone