Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
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Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
For those that worship cheese..
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.