Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

RT if you know someone like this!!!

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.