Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

😝

i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

“We ride at dawn”

Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.