Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

Still my favorite headline of all time:

Covid like

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

Sorry. Not sorry

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.