.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
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My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Livid.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.