lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
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if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Glasses
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”