lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
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[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.