lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
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My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Can confirm.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
dude it’s called proctologist
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.