lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

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Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.


F1: I’m going camping.

F2: What about the wild animals?

F1: I’ve got that covered. I’ve been secretly training at Furry conventions.


interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?


Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.


Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didnโ€™t need any help.


When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”


Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can’t figure out the car alarm?


They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”


remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer


So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.