lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
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7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Worst bar ever.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.