@thelateinnings

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

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@ThisOneSayz

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

@JustDontBugMe

F1: I’m going camping.

F2: What about the wild animals?

F1: I’ve got that covered. I’ve been secretly training at Furry conventions.

@mrjohndarby

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

@Dawn_M_

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didnโ€™t need any help.

@Marlebean

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

@ChrisRRegan

Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can’t figure out the car alarm?

@Elizasoul80

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

@desusnice

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

@sarcasticmommy4

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.