Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

I have taken up painting

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald