Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

🐿️

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

what

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators